September 4, 1982 was the second best day of my life, second only to the day I accepted
Jesus as my Savior, at age 10.  We would have made it all the way--I was hoping for 60-75
years, dang it!  But God took you before our 30th, and now all I want is to go to Heaven to
be with you.  We were so good together, Bret, and I am so lost without you.  I don't feel like
I fit in anywhere anymore, because it was always you and me, and me and you.  Some days,
when I can stay fairly busy, I do okay.  But more often than not, I cannot seem to see my
way clear of any reason that I should be left here on this earth.  I don't feel like I am here
to do anything important, although I know I am.  All I can feel is this hole inside my
heart that is sucking me back down into the vortex you left when you went to see Jesus.
And then, the tears just won't stop rolling down my cheeks.  Going through the motions
is so much easier when you have someone tangible, who you love, to do it with.  I know
Jesus is enough, and I am sure He hasn't given me more than I can bear, as He promised
He wouldn't.  But I just want to feel your real arms around me, your caress on my cheek,
your strong hand in mine, your voice telling me all those practical and logical things
that used to drive me crazy, because you never got emotional.  I want you to be here to
help me problem solve all the little things that come up that are so difficult to handle,
that I just took for granted, when you quietly did them for me...changing the oil, plowing
the driveway, taking the trash to the dump, finding the right tool, and I could go on and
on.  If it weren't for the stupid cooking channel, I doubt I would ever be motivated to
cook anymore, and once I make the fantastic recipe, it falls flat, because there's no one
here to share it with.  I stay up until all hours, because I don't want to sleep alone.  I just
pretty much don't even know who I am anymore, Bret.  Can you please ask Jesus to show
me who I am supposed to be, and to tell me what to do?  I hate death, I hate it, I hate it,
I hate it!

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